BUT......there comes moments of very real reality. Just casual moments when I think "Oh,there goes the baby kicking again." Followed by this tiny voice nudging my mind wi\hipering "Hey. Pssst. Theres a BABY in there. A baby that will someday (soon!) come OUT."
Holy Crap.
Its not that I dont know nor expect this fact.Like I said, been there and done that. Five times. This baby, though not exactly planned during the rocky tumultousness of my marriage is ferverently treasured and fiercly loved. When my ex began contacting me sending threatening and cruel messages I cut off contact to cease all stress that might affect you. When my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday my top of the list request was a copy of the ZEN MAMA video, a yoga prenatal workout to prepare me mentally and physically for your birth. When cholestatis became a factor, I immediatly went shopping and loaded my pantry and fridge with raw veggies, fresh fruits, raw almonds, low fat everything. When fears showed up in regards to the cholestasis diagnosis I got down on my knees and prayed. You are wanted, protected, adored.
But still......SIX children. Six. Woah. My cup runneth over. Now more than a quiverful. I give God praise but then question Him in the same breath...Does he really think I can handle this? I mean sure, five is working just fine. But much of that is ebb and flow. We've been doing the 5 kids gig for over 3 years now. Ive got it down to a science at this point. Family Chores & Family Routine on posterboard on the hallway wall. Weekly family meetings. Nightly ritual with chapter books and herbal tea and prayers and tuck ins. Friends with only one or two kids frequently ask "How DO you DO it?" I simply say them, with the strength and grace of God, an ability to multitask, and a great sense of humor. What else is there, really?
So now, now when I have it all figured out......WHY wouldGod throw in a sixth? I took the test a week after my husband left us. NOT prfect timing by my standards. But thats the funny thing about faith. Its not about our timing. (which more often than not gets muddled upwith our screwy priorities) Its all focused on the fact that Gods timing is aways (ALWAYS!) exactly perfect. So, Im just trusting Him. And in thse moments of uncertainty I cling to the fact that I've made it this far, I might as well keep trusting all will work out just fine in the end. Wether its six or sixteen, it doesnt really matter with God in control.
I dont use words like accident when it comes to this babe. Because it wasn't. Not for a minute. It was merely unplanned in MY mind. But God already had it all set in motion. So I trust in that and continue forward day by day, simply paying homage to what I already know to be truth and honoring the ebb and flow. <3 Perfect peace.
