We've passed the decade mark now, here on the night of your eleventh (eleventh!) birthday. Using the term decade makes me feel decidely old(er). I can still recall with vivid clarity the ultrasound when I learned you would be a son. A SON. A boy. I went home and cried because how would I, a GIRL, ever be able to bond with a son? I had always intended on having a daughter first. (11 years and 5 sons later, Im beginning to have a hunch that God doesnt put much basis on OUR plans when mapping out our journey.
Then you were born, 5 weeks early, after 48 hours of back labor, you slipped out in a whisper, upside down and purple, the midwife catching you with surety and casual ease when I was sure she'd miss. I caught a glimpse of your grape bubble gum colored body (some of it blood and gook, some your lack of oxygen) and then you were whisked into an adjoining room. I only knew later by watching the video your Daddy made, what went on behind that door. The tiny oxygn mask, the doctor tapping and prodding you, your bleating lamb-like cries silenced with the intubation.(a slender tube down your esophogas to help you breathe)
You were a million miles away. My body ached and longed for you, the way I imagine an amputee patient longs for the lost limb. You had been as much a part of me as my SELF for so long.....It was hours before they let me see you, in your plastic covered isolette, I could only reach a finger in to stroke your hand.
You were in the NICU for 9 days. I was there all day, every day. To the point the nurses bgan telling me I should go back to the Ronald McDonald House down the street and get rest. As if my own needs existed when my son was in this huge, overwhelming place strugling to prove he could eat, pee, breathe....I prayed,willed,spoke you healthy and strong.
Home then. Home and the beginning of our journey. You taught me about patience, endurance, love, faith. You taght me to be grateful instead of weary. When you struggled with breastfeeding and I woke every two hours at night to struggle to help you latch, then sit and pump for 20 miutes, then bottlefeed another 20 minutes...(You do the math), I could have broke down and quit. But I discovered the most delicious intimacy in a relationship sometimes appears in the times when all the world is asleep and it is just two of you.
You were my rough draft. And boy, did I have to go back an apply eraser or circle in red pen and make new attempts to get it "right" until I finally discovered there is no method, no secret, no grand design of perfection that can be labeled right or wrong. That in spite of my fumbles and stumbles and backpeddalling,you are maturing into this amazing, empathetic, funny, smart, passionate young man. (And sometimes, when I catch a glimpse of the man you are being formed into, like your recent school essay on your desire for world peace, I like to think I had a hand in that)
You make me proud every single day. I hope I say that enough. Never for a moment question that your actions, your words, your beliefs, that ANYTHING would lessen the pride I have in you and the love I carry in my heart of hearts for you. Keep flying strong and straight, even when people try to pull you out from among the stars and tell you its imposible to fly without wings and feathers. Even when those people are the ones you expect to cheer you on. Dont let others opinions discourage your fires to burn. Keep in mind how it feels in those moments when it seems its only you and God against the world and maybe even God feels a little distant. Firstly, know God is ALWAYS closer than you think. And secondly, we all feel alone at times like that, so tread carefully, young man. Tread carefully on your path through this life. Because many hearts will be passed through on your journey. And you have the power to crush or to edify. Seek to lift up, to be an encourager, a peacemaker and a peacekeeper. Jesus was a wise teacher who understood you must meet people where they are and show them grace and love. Treat people that way. Show respect. Behave with honor even when no one is looking.(Remember, God is always closer than you think) Seek wisdom. Ask God for discernment. Walk in love.
If God allows me any portion,any sliver of credit at the man you shall someday be, I will be humbled at the honor. Ive learned a girl CAN bond with a boy, that a mother can find a FRIEND in a man-child. It is with great humility and joy I call you my son. I love you, Zane Christian. Happy Birthday.
Love,
Mommy
xxoo
