Onward and Upward

Its a strange thing, finding your footing after losing somene you love. When Ken died I had two choices: die with him or go on with living. Because of my boys I really only had one option in my heart. But how does one bgin to carve out a brand new path? And how to do so without feeling guilty? For a good month after he passed away I did not smile or laugh without abruptly catching myself and scolding myself. I felt guilty. Ken had been a good man, my best friend, my soul mate, how could I be happy? We had promised to love eachother forever but neither of us had planned for THIS. Here I was lost out in the wilderness where he had left me all alone when he died trying to carve this new path. I missed him horribly. I would get angry at moments and then feel guilty for feeling angry.
In the midst of this emotional turmoil I stumbled across Dave, one of mine and Kens close friends.He  had always been there for me. And when I needed to get through things in those early days it was him who I called. On that awful 18 hour bus ride back from Kens funeral, at the moments I thought for sure I would fall apart, caught up in pain and thoughts I could not stop, I called him and he listened and talked me through and kept me from dissolving. When I was scared at nights ad not wanting to sleep alone, he drove out to my house to sit with me, to hold me, to listeto me ramble. I did alot of talking. Its what I do, I talk out big issues, pouring it out of my soul to make room for healing and peace. Dave allowed for that. He understood my grieving, having known and loved ken as well. We went to the memorial cross together. He was a part of my healing. A patient steadfast hedge of protection.
I have thought many hours. prayed. spoken to Ken in my heart. Idont feel guilty any longer. I know that Ken would not want me to give up. Hewould not want me to settle either. He rose the bar and there are things I expect of dave simply because Ken showed me I deserved them. But I aso know  will never be happy quite like that again. Iwill never throwmyself headlong into romance and passion and all of that ever again. I do find myself falling in love with Dave. Very much so. But it is a far more cautious measured love. I am aware now of the risk of loss and pain and death and scarring. I am no longer that girl that Ken loved. He took a part of her with him ad the rest has been drasically altered to fill in the void. Its not all bad, I dont mean to make it sound so. Ken taught me what LOVE is. TRUE love. I now can love a man properly and skip over the childish issues and doubts because of what I learned. Because of Ken I know what I deserve and I will stand up and demand it and not settle for less. Because of my loss I am stronger. I never knew myself to be this strong. I always thought, if he died I would die. And yet....I walked alone into that large silent room where his cold still body lay and I spoke to him, and I touched his hand, and I smelled his hair, and I kissed his lips goodbye....and I did not die. In fact, I stayed on my feet. (But by the grace of God) I have learned to never go a day without telling my kids I love them. To not waste time on petty stuff. To LIVE. I do this to honor Ken. So those two years he spent with me were not in vain.
I know to some people it may appear I amrushing into things and leaving Kens memory behind. Iwant to make it clear that not a day goes by, or will go by for the rest of my life, that he is not in  my heart. He made me who I am today. I see him in our sons, especially the youngest. A million little things remind me of him. Somtimes those things make me laugh and other times I cry. It is such an odd thing, feeling gateful and happy with where your life is while at the same time griving for what is past. But here I find myself, putting these pieces together so I can see the picture God has painted on my puzzle.
R.I.P. Ken. Forever in my heart.