My Mom

The tentative, perilous, fiercly devoted bond betwixt a mother an daughter.....one you can only grasp if you play a part in that type of relationship. The cords that tie, the fabrics thatweave together this tapestry.....
As a very young girl,I adored my mom. She was a young single mom and  I found her beautiful.The very earth revolved around only the two of us. That was all there was. Shewas my queen.
But then those temptous teen years swept over us like a sea of whirlng waters an crashing waves. Suddenly it struck me how much a clueless fool this woman really was.What could she possibly understand about broken hearts, embarassing acne, tainted frienships??? I blamed her for 75 percent of the bad stuff and refused to discuss the other 25 percent with her on mere pinciple that she "just wouldn't GET IT."
Then it happened. IT. The thing that made me see how MUCH she truly GOT.I became a mother. And that very first time I held my son's tiny body, a mass of wires attaching him to itimidating machines in an intmidating NICU.....and that rush of hushed whispers of whatever it is we hear the first time we hold our child (angels?god?love?) "lifelifeliflifeloveloveloveloveoh.my.god." and from that very moment on I have come to see my mom as not only life giver....but a  friend, a sister on this journey, a fellow mother.....
When I lost a baby at 4 months gestation, my mother gathered together all of the condolence cards and emails and leters.....many from other women who had lost a baby, and she compiled the into a book for me.I read it in the silent nights when itseemed God had ceased to listen or respond. It was my comfort.When I went into labor with my second son, my mom had JUST micarried 7 days earlier. With her heart-wound still throbbingly fresh,she came to support me through hours and hours of labor.As a woman who has also lost babies,I understnd the strength that took.How hard, thepull between grieving for a child you lost and supporting one still here. When I went through my divorce, when my husband and father of our 3 boys left me for an18 year old stripper who was carrying his child at the same time I was pregnant with our fourth, it was my mother who encouraged me and believed in me. When I miscarried a child the year earlier her kind and simple card said perfectly what was needed to be said.
Those late night calls when the baby had colic. The frustrated letters about Aidans attitude. The concerned emails regrding Zanes struggles with reading. My venting,crying,fears, worries as a single mom.That woman who used to seem clueless now was my beacon since she had already journeyed this path.
And when I had the D&C operation after losing my 2nd baby......I lay in that huge,cold,gray operating room filled with masked faces,feeling so very small and scared and alone.....and all I could think was I wanted my mom. And when I lost too much blood and passed out outside of the hospital she charged inside and yelled for a dr before the useless candy striper could even blink.
And when the cops showed up at my door to say "We have some bad news".....(because it turns out they really DO say that,just like in the movies) and they told me my fiance, my very best friend in the whole wide world, Daddy to my boys, had died......I couldnt think right to dial her number, but I needed my mom.Ifinaly dialed it right. And she drove a fifteen minute drive in five. And she was running with arms wide open to comfort me like I was 5 again before I think the car had even stopped rolling. And when I had to say goodbye to him, (my first dead body ever and it was my best friend.That quite the kick in the gut), I did what I had to,then went outside....I was halfway across the country, sorrounded by strangers....and I lit a cigarette with a shaky hand and called my mom. And told her Iwished she was there with me.
At 31, I realize now how much Itruly NEED my mom.I used to say I couldnt wait to be 18 and AWAY......but I am never AWAY. She is a part of me. A beautifully intricate tapstry of ebb and flow.
THANK YOU MOM> I LOVE YOU~