I met you the next day. In a white hospital room. I sat obediently in the chair by the bed and was handed this tiny blanket-burrito wrapped bundle with a hat on. You had ths doll-sized face and I kissed it. You were so small, so fragile, I was scared I might drop you and break you and get in trouble.
I didnt though. Instead, I dove in to being little mommy to you when we all got home. It was fun, sort of like playing house. You made cute sounds, and as you got older your little personality began to come out. I was fiercly protective of you. You were cute, chubby and fun to play with. (Despite the fact you were a BOY.) We shared a room for a long time and my favorite thing was at bedtime I would take you in my arms when I was 12 and you were 3 and rock you to sleep while singing "your" song. (the one I always sang to you) "Kuckabearah sits in the old gum-tree, eating all the gumdrops you can see....laugh kuckabearah, laugh kuckabearah, merry merry life you lead! Kuckabearah sits in the old gum-tree, eating all teh gumdrops you can see. Stop kuckabearah! Stop Kuckabearah! save some there for me!" Youd smile until your eyes would close in sleep. <3
As years went by, we had our troubles and scuffles and spats, as all siblings do. In my rebellious teen years I would sneak cigarettes or sneak friends over after school while mom was at work. Id bribe you with candy bars so you wouldnt tell on me. Youd sweetly agree to the deal, snarf down the candy bar and promptly rat me out when mom walked in the door. (Speaking of, you owe me about 2 dozen candy bars. You'd think I would have just learned you worked for the enemy.) There were times growing up I wished i ddnt have a little brother. You drove me nuts, you embarassed me in front of my friends......but honestly, as we grew up I began to realize the golden blessing of growing up with you. We share the same history, the same trademarks, the same sense of humor. One of my favorite memories, and one m not sure you willeven recall, because its so basic and simple....is this: The day when you were nearing adulthood and I was already an adult with 2 young sons. We were hagning at the kitchen table together, eating our seperate dinners in silence. We hadnt always meshed so well over the years, our personalities so vastly different. And then had gone and gotten married and had babies while you had gotten your first serious girlfriend. We hadnt talked much recently but that day we bagan to chat. Nothing heavy, just casual banter. The inside jokes and such that only siblings can really understand. In the midst of our bantering, our mom laughed from behind her bedroom door where she was on a phone call. To this day I cant tell you why it struck us both as hysterical, but we both cracked up in the moment. It was a real true blue belly laugh and in the moment any awkward distance between us that may have developed over the years was replaced by this: just two kids caught in a moment of sheer happiness, enjoying eachother. I think often of how much I miss joking and laughing with you.
In 2009 my son Drezdyn was born. His father was an abusive "man." and I prayed every day of that pregnancy that my unborn child would grow up to be nothing like him. So, in the naming of him, while his father insisted he have HIS name, I found a loophole by giving him TWO middle names, the first being YOURS. Because it was my hearts desire that my child grow up to be like you. Thus was born Drezdyn Nicholas-Jesse.
In June of 2011 I got remarried. By then you were a full fledged adult. You came to North Carolina to give me away at the wedding, per my request. I had no father to do it and in my mind, you were a man of honor that I looked up to, even though you were younger than I. You were taller than me at this point, and had been for quite some time. I was sad that you had to go back home.
I know I dont say it much (Im so much better at teasing.) But I want you to know how very proud I am of you, how much I adore you and how often I brag on you to others. I am so very glad you came into my life on that September day in 1988. I always will be. xoxo
BROTHER:
You are the comfortable ease to a well worn shoe,
I am the lightnng bolt, the unpredictable of us two,
You are the quiet, the pondering soul,
I am the cinders that blaze up the coals,
You are the stash of halloween candy in May,
I am one-yellow sock who cant find her stray.
You are a bank account at 12 years old,
I am the waster of money for anything worth sold.
Youre take-two-hours-to-eat,
Im speed talker, speed walker, runner-of-feet,
You are an eagle perched in strength and grace,
I am a bright blue ball bouncing all over the place.
You are all I wish I could be,
You are the shining parts of me,
You are the first baby boy I ever knew,
And with all my heart I say I LOVE YOU.
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