Nearly every day someone says to me "I don't know HOW you do it!" usually followed by a "I'd lose my mind!" First of all, let me point out, I didnt give birth to all 6 of my sons on the same day. I have had 12 years to gradually get accustomed to being a mom of 6 children. (I guess what am saying is the breakdown of my sanity has happened in small increments, not all at once.) Its been a learning process. And honestly, I feel more sure of myself as a mother of six than I ever did when I only had one. That being said though, I have to admit many different tactics and approaches have been tried and disposed of in my home before we got to this point. Here are some things I stand on as a mother. This is what works in our home.
1) expect respect. And teach them how to give it by giving it to them. There is a rule in our family that when our children respond to adults it's with a "Yes Mam.No Mam." or "Yes Sir. No Sir." They must make eye contact when being spoken to by an adult. They are not allowed to call eachother names like "Stupid". They are to respect eachother's need for personal space when it is needed. In turn, we as their parents teach them through example that respect is vital. We knock before entering their rooms. We don't go through their personal belongings (ie:backpacks, journals) without their consent UNLESS we are concerned for their safety or something like that. (Ie: If we thnk they might be smoking or stealing or something of that sort) In which case, we explain why we are invading privacy and allow them to be witness to it so we do not overstep boundaries and we always apologize if our suspicions turn out to be unwarranted. We also have learned that respecting one another as parents teaches a loud example. Even if we do not neccesarily agree with eachother, we do not discuss it in front of them, but rather back eachother up and stand as a united front.
2) We DO NOT HIT. Ever. A parent hitting a child is, IMO, an adult temper tantrum. You are angry with a certain behavior, your immediate reaction is to show your anger and teach the child a lesson. But sadly, the lesson most often learned is "Violence solves problems." I have seen it with my own children firsthand. We USED to be a spanking household. (and for the love of GOD, call it spanking. I hate the term "popping." Its NEVER just a "pop" or "swat" How would you feel if a person much bgger abd stronger than you hit you and then just called it a "swat" and shrugged it off as acceptable. rant end.) But anyway, what I saw with my own children is, it led to them feeling frustrated and scared and angry which resulted in MORe misbehavior and also to them lashing out physically in anger towards eachother. So, we lean heavily on COMMUNICATION in our home. I explain rules and why they exist. I explain consequences. I explain firmly that it is my JOB as thier mother, my God-given responsibility to raise them to be respectful, honorable young men. often times, natural consequences work best. For example, if a child refuses to eat his dinnert, he doesnt get dessert. If he refuses to hang his coat up like I reminded him to do, he goes without it the next day when he wants it for school.Just ths morning my 7 year old chose to fool around and ignore my reminders that we were leaving for church soon. So, after the ten & five minute warning that we were leaving soon, I promptly led him out to the van, his shoes in my hand as he had still not put them on. He was able to put his shoes on in the van but had not had time to get socks due to the fooling around so he3 went sock-less. lesson learned:Mommy means business when she says we are leaving in five minutes! Which leads me to my other discipline rule: ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH. I have heard parents threaten to "never take their child anywhere again." um....unless you plan on becoming a social recluse, DON'T threaten such empty foolish threats. makde the consequences clear and stand by them! If they wont get ice cream for acting up in the grocery store, don't cave simply because they throw a fit and cry for a half hour. (Just inform them they can go cry elsewhere.) Children who know exactly where the lines are drawn are far less likely to cross them.
And my third key to discipline in our home: Time outs. There is really no hard-fast technique to this one. Because every kid s different. Time out simply means taking a break from the person or situation that is causing misbehavior. Sometimes, this requires a seat on the kitchen stool for a few inutes to calm down and gaqther their wits and ponder behavioral changes required. Sometimes, this means a cuddle and talk-time with mommy in her room. (keep in mind, often times misbehavior stems from stress, fears, etc in a child. My 9 year old often comes home in a ROTTEN mood and takes it out on his brothers. When I speak to him in private he will admit someone was mean to him on the bus or he had been scolded at school by his teacher, etc....this is an oppurtunity to teach him communication skills and problem solving and anger management. Learn your childs temperment and learn to work with it. Get creative. I make my older children write essays about why they need to be kind when they hurt someone or I make them write lists of ten things they like about eachother when they are name-calling one another. Think outside the box!
3) RESPONSIBILITY. I don't do allowance. Im a mean mom that way. ;) I feel that qwe are a family unit and it is the responsibilty of all involved to keep our home runningsmoothly and to help eachother out. My kids do not do chores to earn cash. They do chores to teach them self-reliance, know-how, helpfulness, respect of property, etc.... On top of chores, my elder sons are also expected to keep an eye out for their younger brothers and help with them with needed. (Ie: run shower water for them, change the baby if Mommy is busy cooking dinner, keep an eye on the younger two so they dont go out of teh yard when playing outside) Being a mother of six is not half as stressful when you know you have responsible eyes and ears and extra sets of hands to help if needed. I have so many friends wth older children, even TEENAGERS who do not do chores at all. I cannot fathom this. I begin chores wth my kids when they are a year old. as soon as they can understand how to scoop up toys and throw them in a toy box, that is their first chore. as soon as they know how to walk, they can carry an empty plate from the dinner table to put in the sink. (granted at that age they are short lil folks and therefore must stand on tip toes and strreeetttcchhh to push it into the sink. Therefore, invest in some plastic dishes. trust me on this) we did rotating chores for awhile, with this elaborate chore chart hanging in our hall. And it worked okay for awhile but they began bartering over trades and complaning one job was harder than another, etc..... So, I recently have switched over to "Zones." Each child has a Zone of the home they are responsible for. I learned ths trick from a show I watched called "My extraordinary Family" which showcased a famly with 19 kids. I figured if they made it work with that many, I could surely pull it off with 6! So, my 11 year old son, Zane, has laundry. Granted, I do an average of 3-5 loads a DAY, but he is responsible for 1 load a day to wash, dry, fold and put away. as he gets older will add on to it. My 9 year old Aidan wanst to be a chef so I gave him the logical job of dinner. ths includes all prep work and cooking. I stay nearby to lend a helping hand or answer any questions, but the kid is impressivly handy with a knife, grating, peeling, sauteing, etc.... Bailey, my 7 year old son washes dishes every night after dinner. My 5 year old, Creed is in charge of cleaning the bathroom daily. this includes the toilet, the sink,countertop, tub and mopping the floor. (strange kid LOVES this job.) Drezdyn is 3 and he helps me pick up the yard every evening of stray toys, bikes, etc and sweeps off our deck with his mini-sized broom. (BEST Christmas gift EVER, BTW. He spent almost an hour sweeping our dirt driveway yesterday) :) On top of daily zones, they are also expected to clear their dishes, put laundry in the baskets, and make thier beds. They do all this with plenty of time left for play so Im not a slave driver. What I am, is a mom preparing her sons for manhood. Someday thier wives will thank me.
4) God. He is our core, our center, our foundation. we attend church as a family twice a week. We play christian music in our home. My kids see us worshpping. we pray before meals.I pray over my three oldest every morning before they go to school. We dscuss bible topics and answer questions about such. Thier father Dave is a new chrstian as well as a new father/stepdad. (he's been doing this for a little over a year now.) It has been a HUGE transition for him to go from a partying agnostic to a christian father, to say the least. But he is learning to teach through example, by speaking respectfully to me in front of them, by beng a firm but loving dad when he disciplines, by leading us to church each week. try daily to be a godly wife, to allow him to be head of our home, to be respectful and honorable. To make wise choices in the household affairs and in the raising off our children. When our sons have behavioral issues that we must address, we try to incorporate the bible. (Ie: When they react in anger because a brother hits them and they hit back we remind them the word of God says "Do not return evil with evil" and "Turn the other cheek." ) Because more than anything in my life, years from now when I am looking at my grandchildren and watching how my sons are raising them, I ferverently hope and pray that they will be godly men passing down what they have learned.I want them to be faithful, kind, helpful, loving husbands. want them to be heads of homes. I want them to be patient, loving, firm, strong fathers. I want them to work hard for thier money, to never be in legal trouble, to seek God in all of thier choices. It may be a tall order, but I stand on the promise of "Train up a child in the way he should go...."
Im not a miracle worker. Im not a saint. Im not a glutton for punishment nor a martyr. I am simply a mother loving her sons and taking it day by day. I am a mother thankful for the precious gift God has given, and always always always aware of teh responsibiloity that comes with such a gift.This is just what works for us. This is simply how I do it.
